Hopeless Romantic Girl

“How could someone hurt you but still make you feel so good?(…)

Just cause he gives you pain, that don't mean he ain't the one(…)

So my advice would be no don't leave, don't go so easy, no

Let that argument turn you on

It's worth it

And these are the lessons learned by lovers

These are the reasons we make love

There's no exception, one day we gotta look each other in the eye

You learn all these lessons when you're in love

A lesson for the lover, for the lover

"Talking to a close friend, having a deep conversation about life, about love, about simple things that we make it complicated, made me think about too many things in my life right now. Sometimes, we just think that we can erase feelings, deep feelings, from our heart, convincing ourselves that we can be happy by ourselves or someone will magically appear and solve our problem. We think that, in a relationship, we don’t suffer, that everything is colorful, just ups and no downs, roses without thorns.

I started thinking by myself about those things that he said, I was thinking, thinking, thinking and thinking. I started overthinking and I decided to listen to Usher’s song Lessons for the lover. It made me think more about my life. I have a crush, no, it’s not even a crush, because the feeling that I have for him is so deep that I can’t even name it a crush! It’s … love, yes! It’s LOVE!

Our story is damn complicated; we both got our hearts broken by each other. That’s why now we both are afraid to suffer, (ok, I am going to talk about me), I am afraid of that because I got disappointed by someone that is very special in my life. I started hiding my feelings, being scared of having another relationship, convincing myself that I didn’t like him anymore.

Though, the things are not that easy. We just don’t stop liking, loving someone when we want, when we say “ok, I am done, it’s over, I don’t want it no more!” It takes time, we have to be patient. But, how can we get over if our heart doesn’t want? If we both still have a connection?

It’s hard because we both don’t share too many feelings with each other, it’s hard to “read” him, I don’t like reading people wrong, ooooh, here it is! Fear of suffering, fear of rejection, yeah, that’s what I am afraid of, urrgh. Why I make things so complicated? Why?

I pray to God every day, begging for a sign, for me to know if I give up or if I just wait until I get home and see what’s going to happen. Try to keep my business here tho, but my heart is so damn far away that I prefer to do anything, chill just by myself. People say that we have to get into a relationship when we are ready and not when we are lonely. Yes, I am ready! But, just with the person that I love, that is far away for me, which makes me feel that he doesn’t want to talk with me, but I know deep inside my heart that he feels the same way that I feel now! I know!

“50% happiness; 50% suffering; both need to keep it real and the relationship depend on both”, that’s what a friend told me. I had that chance before I got here, but I refused because I was afraid of getting hurt again. I have realized that I am a stupid f*cking dumb ass for thinking that way. Now, I am suffering two times more, because I lost a chance of trying to be happy with someone that I really love.

December is coming, I am going home. What to expect? What to expect? What to do? Do I go after him and tell him that I love him so much and I can’t handle being without him? Or … I just chill, stay on the corner and let things go? It is so hard to decide, my heart says GO, GO AND BE HAPPY. My brain says, DO U REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO YOU? DO YOU WANT TO GET HURT AGAIN?

There is the question: do I wait to be happy with another person? Or do I wait till I go home and be happy with the one I love? I believe in God, I believe in his timing, he knows what the right thing is for me. He will give me the answer …"

A letter from a hopeless romantic girl